When I start to get frustrated at Learner drivers, I remember that I should be...– Facebook
My attempt at cooking dinner for the first time in about a year took almost 3...– Facebook
Why must I be such a easy drunk! Oh uncontrollable word vomit you make my life...– Facebook
Attempting to run a short distance to home whilst drunk has ended with a...– Facebook
I wish they invented two right hands– Trying to paint her nails
This is horrible! Because it really happened! It’s like World War II!– Watching Game of Thrones
Religion and politics are pretty much the same thing.
OSF's Dad: There's scratches on your car here, did you drive into a bush or something?
OSF: Oh yeah, I drive into a bush every morning when I reverse out of the garage! I didn't think it would do anything, it's only leaves...
30 mins of my life I’ll never get back! Head into the shopping centre for...– Facebook
Why won’t the car move, I keep accelerating checked the car is on, move...– Facebook
Caught the train home today and managed to get off at the right stop! So proud!– Facebook
Ghosts aren’t real, right?
Well, you don’t catch milk with honey! You don’t catch flies with...– You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
You know what’s funny…like how there were ancient Egyptians and...
I learnt what tweeting meant today. And retweeting. It’s like people write...
No matter how drunk I am, I always say how awesome my mum is.–
Key Lime Pie? Is that real?
Ok, I’ll be back soon. Oh, wait.– Said as we are going out and OSF is staying home
OSF: Magician. Magic-ism. Ohh it's a magic triangle!
OSF: Magicism means magic triangle. Because ism means triangle. Like prism.
Me: What? No.
Friend: He's looking for the amenities.
OSF: Isn't that an animal?
Lemon Chicken Recipe
Step 1: Microwave frozen chicken breast until completely cooked. Step 2: Pour on lemon juice. Step 3: Add pepper. “You know, maybe I’m not as good of a cook as I thought…”
Was asked by an overseas colleague where Victoria was located. After taking some...–
What’s The Lion King about again? Communism?–
Beauty and the Geek: What does I.Q. stand for?
OSF: Artificial intelligence!
Me: So Steve Jobs died.
OSF: Yeah I know...
OSF: Who is he?
Oh, do you need a degree to be a paramedic?–
I was just brushing my teeth when everything went dark and just as I was about...–
Me: Hey Goldfinger is on.
OSF: Oh. Is that B105?
Me: ... What? You mean 007?
OSF: Yeah that one.
Isn’t there a sin called gluteny?– On the subject of a gluten free diet
Co-worker: My son brought a baby chicken home from school yesterday.
OSF: That's cool. When it grows up, you can get your eggs from it.
Co-worker: Unless it grows up to be a rooster...
OSF: But I thought you said it was a chicken?
Co-worker: Roosters are chickens...
OSF: Oh... Really?
Co-worker: Where did you think roosters came from?
OSF: Baby roosters?
Is that actually real?–
I’m just a tall boy from a tall family, selling my house for a small cup...– Bohemian Rhapsody Lyrics
Do you think they had to get his permission to use his face and voice and stuff?– On JFK featuring in Call of Duty: Black Ops
Vegans don’t eat carrots do they?–
It’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the skin of the front It’s...– Eye of the Tiger Lyrics